woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
