he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
