whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
