More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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