you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
