Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
