Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
