I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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