He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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