The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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