Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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