my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
