Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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