even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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