Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
