Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
