: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
