I'm sorry my penis didn't work
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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