You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
