yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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