Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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