i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
