Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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