I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
