It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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