You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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