That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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