I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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