please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
