my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
