Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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