Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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