New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You can't motorboat a personality
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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