I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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