I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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