My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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