the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Drake has all the answers
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
