I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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