oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
