he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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