So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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