Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
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I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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