I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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