i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
