DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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