puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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