I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
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You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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