Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Barsexuality is the new black.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
