I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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