Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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