i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
