her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
