Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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