my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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