You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
