Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
